By Snow
Have you ever woken up under warm blankets on a cold day? And when you poked a hand just outside of your cozy covers, you found the air was frigid and uninviting? That is how it feels to me every time I have to leave my home. I just want to stay under those blankets.
I am someone who is often not comfortable in his own skin. I am most secure at home, surrounded by loved ones or even alone. Home is where I can just be me. It is a cocoon of warmth and love. On any given day, it is indeed a battle for me to fly away from that cocoon.
One of the hangups I’ve had since I was a teenager is that I feel like I am constantly being stared at when I am out in public. These days, I logically know this is not true, yet the feeling persists. There’s no reason for people to be staring at me.
But they are.
Or at least they might be.
Or they could be.
Maybe.
As part of that feeling of being under observation, I also feel like these same strangers are judging me. Yet, I know that only one Judge actually matters.
I go out of my way not to make other people feel the way I do, like I am staring at them or judging them. This is one of the reasons I avoid looking at people in public places, particularly eye contact. I can even pass friends or family members on the street and not see them. They have to flag me down, or they just tell me later, “I saw you. You looked lost in thought.”
I guess I have been lost in thought for decades now.
If I make an effort, I can curb my default behavior. I can, if I really try, walk and look at people, smile and say, “hello.” Some people need this, to be seen (the opposite of me, I need to be invisible). So, I think it is Biblical and neighborly to try to do this, but it is definitely a challenge for me.
Walking through the halls at work is even worse. There is a much higher likelihood I know these people. So depending on my anxiety level, I either go out of my way to avoid eye contact, or I say, “Hello, how are you?” like a script.
As for me, when faced with this most useless of questions, I am always “doing good” no matter how wonderful or horrible my day is going. Just whatever makes the pointless conversation end.
If I am particularly anti-social that day, I will even change my path if I see someone up ahead. I sometimes duck into the copy room and pretend I had to go in there rather than crossing paths with others. I can’t remember the last time I had to make an actual copy in the copy room. I use it for cover. Then, I go out the other door and try to make a people-less escape that way.
Another bit of struggle is that, though I can remember names, my brain doesn’t bring them to mind fast enough on random encounters. Or, if it does, I am not confident enough to say them. I feel it is better to avoid saying a name than to call someone by the wrong name. It actually irks me a little when people I don’t know very well say my name. I don’t mind when friends or family members say my name, but I don’t like when others, such as co-workers, overuse it. You don’t have to say my name to make me pay attention to you. You just have to say something more interesting than my daydreams.
Over the weekend, I actually studied the names of a few people I knew we might encounter at an event. These are wonderful people who provide a service for us a couple of times a year. I wanted to be able to greet each of them by name, to show them how much they mean to me. Nope, brain wouldn’t allow it, despite my studying. Despite my saying their names right as we walked up. So, I had to do the nameless thing. It was very disappointing to me on a personal level, though I am sure they did not care or even notice. Even now, I am pushing back tears over this. It is difficult for me to connect with people, but when I do, I feel I never do enough, and I second-guess myself into a state of overwhelming sadness.
I was saved over five years ago now, and, though it might not be obvious from this post, I have come a long way with my anxiety since then. Yes, my anxiety is obviously still there (perhaps it is my “thorn in my flesh“), but I cope with it far better – particularly when I remember to just stop and seek Jesus.
So many times He brings me comfort.
And so many times, I forget to just stop and let Him do that.
He is always there, and I have to do better about giving my burdens to Him.
“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”
Philippians 4:4-9 NLT
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